come now child

come now child …

you’re not wild

you’re not vile

you’re marvelous

you hail from the essence of the nile …

the beauty i see

the wonders you will achieve

are beyond you and me …

you are called a beast

you are treated the least

from your folly the unclean feast …

how much longer will you play the fool

or live a life that has no rule

giving the world your precious jewel …

come now child

take your place

pay attention to time wisdom and space …

the Sun and the Moon greet you each day

ancient and bright

They light your way …

oh how my heart smiles to see you there

it is where you belong

the product of the strong

the burden you bare is heavy

but unfortunately not rare …

I see you

I feel you

I care

I’m sorry

I’m sorry that I wasn’t around

im sorry that you looked for me

and I couldn’t be found

but mama was tired

her spirit wasn’t making a sound

i had to act quick

and man the ring

pound for pound

i never wanted to leave you

my heart wouldn’t leave the ground

i beg for your forgiveness

and pray that our hearts are forever bound

 

Spell

you put a spell on me that I cant break

you put a spell on me that no other can shake

wonder ask, is it your charm or your snake

my heart cries while my mind quakes

I don’t know how much more I can take

I try to act unhinged but your sorcery wont allow me to fake

I have to find my own spell after I decide which one to make

Drown It In Music

I was really struggling last week and this week too. I disappoint myself for being so weak at my age, but we graduate or get to places at different times in our lives. During my struggle I listened to music continually. The artist were my counselors and there melodies were my comfort. I love music so. I don’t know where I would have travelled without it. When I felt lost and alone the musicians were there to bring me home.

hopeless and in despair, with no one else around to care, the message in the melodies were crystal clear when I drowned my pain in my love for the music that I hold so dear…

my edge was closer than near, so I listened closely to the music, and it eliminated my fear… music I will love you forever and a day and celebrate you year after year

Somewhere (how ya living)

somewhere theres a fatherless boy, a motherless girl

lifes a nightmare for them, a cruel world

somewhere a child is being raped

right at home, theres no escape

 

somewhere an old woman is hungry and cold

praying day after day for the LORD to free her soul

somewhere an old man is walking with no shoes

reminiscing, trying to remember how did he lose

somewhere a family is raiding a dumpster searching for food

or whatever else they think they can use

 

somewhere a mother is constantly sucking on a stem, pipe, bowl, or dick

all kinds of shyt to keep her sick

meanwhile her babies are at home looking for mama

until they decide to leave because they cant stand it any longer

 

somewhere a father rots in a cage for something that he did not do

he remains there with no solution on how to get out

he hasn’t a clue

 

but look at you, crying and complaining over how you feel

while people hang by strings

shyt is real

 

who’s gonna sing their blues

who’s gonna help them get over

 

what do you choose

stop bullshytting and start giving

ask yourself, “How Ya Living”

Bob Marley: Ambush In Tha Night

 

They say what we know
Is just what they teach us
And we’re so ignorant
‘Cause every time they can reach us (shoobe, doowa)
Through political strategy (shoobe, doowa)
They keep us hungry (shoobe, doowa)
And when you gonna get some food (shoobe, doowa)
Your brother got to be your enemy, well

Ambush in the night
All guns aiming at me
Ambush in the night
They opened fire on me now
Ambush in the night
Protected by his majesty
Ooh-wee, ooh-wee. Ooh-wa-ooh!
(Ooh-wee) Ooh-wee, ooh-wee (ooh-wa), Ooh-wa!
Ooh-wee, ooh-wee, ooh wa-oh!
Ooh-wee, ooh-wee, ooh wa-ah!

Well, what we know
Is not what they tell us
We’re not ignorant, I mean it
And they just cannot touch us
Through the powers of the most I (shoobe, doowa)
We keep on surfacin’ (shoobe, doowa)
Through the powers of the most I (shoobe, doowa)
We keep on survivin’, yeah

This ambush in the night
Planned by society
Ambush in the night
They tryin’ to conquer me
Ambush in the night
Anything money can bring
Ambush in the night
Planned by society
Ambush in the night

 

 

The Physician

I took my mother to a hospital.  We have been in and out of hospitals for more than ten years now, so I have developed what I call clinical traumatic stress (since we are a society obsessed with labels). Personally, I am comfortable being kind, polite, and respectful; therefore, I make a conscious effort to exhibit those mannerisms in all settings. Nevertheless, I am always on guard in medical facilities. I am on guard due to our experiences.

So the ER physician visited my mom to do an assessment.  I normally answer majority to all questions for her.  I was explaining her history and his response was displeasing to my ears and mind.  I was tired from our wait to be seen. We arrived to the hospital around 3pm and it was now 9pm.  Regardless of the sharp subtle emotion between the physician and myself, we civilly continued the assessment.  The physician recommended the studies to be performed and continued on his way.

My mother was silently laying there, appearing blank from time-to-time, while I just sat there thinking what would or should be next.  Then, out of nowhere I was either talking to myself inside my head, or someone else was talking to me.  I was asked a question.  “Do you know what he does?”  “He saves lives!”  “Can you do what he does?”  I was needfully humbled. Something so unavoidable … how was it that I wasn’t counseled sooner? Why did I allow the actions of others to poison my mind so dreadfully?

His position is a giant to fill.  Being skilled and able bodied to assist in so many different emergent scenarios.  That’s what I call EXTRAORDINARY.  I’m disappointed in myself for not expressing this form of appreciation sooner.  I didn’t mean not to, I was tainted.  I was privileged with the opportunity to meet his presence again.  I apologized for my not being able to communicate my mothers condition better and thanked him sincerely for his help. He told me that he hadn’t noticed, but I noticed and knew my feelings.

I’m glad that he wasn’t offended by my lack and even more glad for a brighter and better perspective.  I’m grateful for the humbling experience and realization of the nobility and honor that is inbedded in these amazing individuals…….Thank you always and forever

 Physician

Loyal to your mission

Obligated to the day and night of decision

Unwavering in your position

Bearer of a mighty petition

 

Born: Runaway

We were now in North Carolina. I found an apartment for me and the kids. I was glad to be in a new environment away from it all. It was a fresh start for us. Unfortunately, I didn’t realize how serious my injuries were until the flashbacks began. I would have nightmares where I would wake up crying out for help. I was unaware that I was starting to isolate myself along with my children. I didn’t want to be around people. I felt like a target. I was convinced that we were being watched and even followed.

My state wouldn’t allow me to feel safe in my home. It caused me to move frequently. I felt bad for my kids having to move from school to school, but I couldn’t help how I was feeling. It was the only way to keep them safe. Nevertheless, I knew I had to forgive my attackers for what they had done to me. I thought that would help me to heal. I just wanted to be able to function for my kids and myself.

Making matters worse, I lost my dad in 2009. This was really hard for me because our relationship had never been what I had hoped for, and now the opportunity was gone. Then, I met Neil. He was young, smart, and hard working. He helped me to take my mind off of my past while brightening my present. In the beginning, our relationship was strictly professional, but the more we were around one another, the more attracted we started to become.

At first, I felt uncomfortable about being older than he was. I couldn’t even bring myself to go see a movie with him. As we grew closer, the uneasiness faded. After we had been dating for a few months, he met the kids. I thought he was my knight. Later, I decided he wasn’t. Things started to change. He became frustrated because he couldn’t understand what I was going through and his behavior was drastic. He rejected affection and became physically abusive, cold, and vindictive.

Holding a job was a struggle for me due to my ongoing issues. I cried many days and nights because I felt sorry for my kids having me as their mother. I couldn’t seem to do anything right. I was worthless. Many times I felt like breaking down, but I knew I was all they had and they needed what little was left of me. I found my refuge in the book of Proverbs. I would read a proverb three times a day. I was fighting to hold on to my sanity and my family. My heart was breaking and I was desperate for help.

Back home my mama wasn’t doing well. Her health was failing along with other major problems. I wanted her to come to North Carolina with me but she wouldn’t. I was now in a position where I had to choose between my well-being and the well-being of my mama. I swallowed my fear and headed back to the hell that I had longed to escape. 

Heroes: Master Of The Head

Sitting on the edge of my bed entertained by silence

thoughts running circles around my head from the memories of violence

tears start a stream down my face after identifying with Ida Bell’s place

I was inspired after reading how Sojourner won her child’s freedom

Then I lost myself in portraits of the Harriets that illustrated the definitions of fearlessness and honor

Master of the Head, Warrior that won’t be misled

The Hunt: A Place Called Home

The letter finally came.  I couldn’t open it.  I began counseling myself.  I thought of others who had suffered as I had and those who had suffered worse.  I thought of the ones whose lives had been taken.  I then began to feel fortunate regardless of my scars.  That was the answer that I needed.  I opened the letter.

As expected, the writ was denied.  I smiled reassuring myself that the battle was over and that I had gained my victory.  It was time to move on.  My mother’s health was gradually deteriorating forcing me to face my fear and move back to Damnville.  I had nothing left.  My kids and I moved in with my mother and stepfather.  I had not shared a residence with my mother in twenty years, it was everything that I didn’t expect it to be.

We lived out of my truck.  I was online looking for work everyday or as often as I possibly could.  I was looking outside of Damnville because coming back had proven itself to be a mistake.  We even tried staying at a shelter.  Things had gotten so bad that my son and I spent a night in the truck with no money, no phone, and no one to call.  I thought I would cry but there was no time for feeling sorry for myself.  I was disgusted for being such a terrible decision maker and failure to my children.

Morning came and I noticed an old friend walking pass.  I stopped him and asked if we could come to his place until I found somewhere for us to go.  That was hard because I’ve never liked to burden others with my problems.  He welcomed us to stay for the night.  After showering and eating we were comforted by a bed.  My son asked, “Is this our bed Mama?”  Fighting the tears, I kissed him on his puggy cheek and told him that it was for the night.  I woke up at four that morning thinking about my girls.  I was torn from being separated from them.

I started making calls desperately.  I found our rescue in the country.  I wanted Jonah to feel like we were going on an exciting adventure so I sang cheerful songs to comfort him while we were driving as I was crumbling inside.  He was excited to see the country.  I couldn’t relax or ease my troubled mind.  I needed to be with my girls and they needed me.  After being there for a few days we were back on the road.  We ended up back at my mama’s house, but not for long.  My sister reminded me of an abandoned house that belonged to my father.

The house needed work but it more than suited our need.  We went to work.  Words can’t explain the satisfaction and joy that we felt by being together again.  A new begin, with all thanks to my dearest FRIEND.